Ode To My Hummer

Oh, Hummer, how do I adore thee?
You see into my soul and satisfy my very need
For an existence above those around me.
Every ride, a transcendental experience from reality.

There simply is no better way for me to express
My deepest concerns;
Those of self-righteousness, arrogance
And, above all, superfluous wealth.
For what better way to spend
My hard-earned, Republican income
Than on a pseudo-badass Chevy Tahoe?
(Complete with leather seats)

Our patriotism marked by generous tax breaks
And that “Support Our Troops” bumper sticker,
The irony of which
Will be disguised by our sincerity
In guzzling all the gas for our grocery-store errands.
(10 miles for every gallon.)
Because we’re just that cool
And our thirst is unfulfilled
For the oil that Our Troops are dying to defend.
Go get ‘em, kids.
Wage war for oil so my Hummer and I can stay together.

Oh, Hummer, you and I
Are above the irrational notions of ecology,
Environmentalism, green awareness or sustainability.
We scoff at global warming-
The notion of “global” is, in fact, entirely foreign to us.
For what concern should we have beyond America?
It’s the greatest country on Earth.

We may face hardship, dear Hummer,
But do not be intimidated by the opinions
Of those lesser individuals
Who are unfortunate enough to drive hybrids,
Mini’s, or – I cringe to think – bicycles.
Just know that we’re badasses,
We’re better,
And we’re above intelligence.

Oh my Hummer and me

We exist in our own reality,

Built on democracy,

And dependent on an utter lack of practicality.

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p.s., as if the onslaught of Hummer-oblivion wasn't bad enough already, now there's a Hummer cologne. Yes. A cologne. So you can smell like ignorance too.

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