The Cost of Change

I've decided that I'm going to study abroad in London next fall. I want to immerse myself in a culture based on something more than the social status of gas-guzzling SUV's and land-sprawling mansions, and I want to adapt to a lifestyle of compact living and public transportation.

And I want to sell my car.
It's simply unrealistic to pay for a car to park in front of our house, and it's hypocritical to boast concern for air pollution while simultaneously owning a car. It's futile to admire and study the public transportation system of another country- continent- and then return home to my own Grand Am. That's insincere - to become a global warming and green energy activists but continue to drive myself around. The point is to set an eco trend, and those four months in London are supposed to provide me with the appreciation and affection for transportation outside my own individual means. Those months away from home are intended to give me the strength to defend my decisions once I return.

Those whom I have decided to tell often argue that they wouldn't want to develop a dependence on buses and subways, saying that we as Americans value our freedom too much. When asked if I agree, of course I do... but that's exactly why I'm going away to study - to get away from this "big truck(!)" epidemic. We as Americans are so self-righteous about our vehicles, thinking every individual is entitled to a big, powerful machine inside which we can beam during rush hour, proud of our $50,000 utility vehicle, complete with pristine cargo bed.
There comes a time for us to grow up and understand the necessity for change, despite our developed attachment to things. There comes a time when morals become more important than convenience or habit. It should be said that going vegetarian wasn't a decision derived from a spontaneous disgust with meat- I still enjoy the taste of a good steak. But I cannot continue pretending like the decision to indulge in salmon and chicken fingers has no negative effects. The same goes for cars. It's time for us all to learn that sacrifices must be made. It is necessary to let go of something we have all become accustomed to in pursuit of something that must happen.

In defense of my decision to sell my car and face inconvenience with courage, I simply emphasize the words of Mahatma Gandhi: "You must be the change you wish to see in the world."

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But then sometimes there are moments where you are filled with the overwhelming sentiment that nothing in the world is okay - that everything is broken now and you yourself will suffer the same fate of desperation. There are times when you become fully aware of your mortality and your faults and your inflictions upon the world; times when you comprehend your soul, recognize your low self-worth, and come to understand that you pass that on to the world you touch.
A co-worker once told me that it's good to be cynical, because it's the unahppy ones who create change... but sometimes I think it'd be nice to soak in happiness and bask in a sort of blind contentment. I don't know an existence without cynicism. Everything is fucked up, and everyone is fucked up for lacking concern and continuing to contribute to this destruction. We're all broken and continue to break what we've already destroyed. Nothing is beautiful anymore. Diamonds are blood-stained, and so are the marriages that their false status represents. Trees - forests- are napkins under cocktails and tissues into which we blow sin-saturated snot. We're creating cancer with the necessity for radiation and by-products (disposed into soil, water, and air, then forgotten) and we scramble to save chemo-weakened loved ones with futile lab experiments on primates and hares. We're too fucking hooked on our fake hair and fake tans and fake food to stop killing ourselves- and killing our world as a hopeful distraction from our own fucking faults and causes. We're ignorant to our contribution to the increasing cases of cancer, concerned only with the inevitability of a cure - and the millions of dollars that will just as inevitably be awarded to whoever finds it.

I'm not ashamed of my environmental concerns - I am merely silenced by the heartbreaking realization that it is not everyone's concern. Why save something people are so determined to extinguish? Why fight the demand for colon cancer and pollution and radiation and slavery? Nothing is beautiful anymore, and there are moments when I am filled with the overwhelming sentiment that none of it even worth saving.